Текст песни
I didn’t become this way by accident
I was built from screams, water and silence
Depression since childhood —
Not some trendy diagnosis
It’s when your home feels
Like a battlefield of shouting and orders
Parents screaming
Plates breaking against walls
And me —
Just a little boy
Standing between their wars
Nobody hugged me
Nobody asked if I was okay
They only compared me
Look, others are stronger than you
My father said
Go outside, play sports
But I had nobody to go with
I had no people
Homework came with yelling
Conversations came with silence
And silence in that house
Was louder than violence
My mother hid bottles
Under my bed
I was just a child
But somehow already guilty
I grew up in silence
Where love was rare
Where children stay quiet
Because the whole world screams at them
I survived
Not through anger
Not through violence
I survived
Because something alive
Still stayed inside me
Thirteen years old
A bicycle
A river
My father asked
Coming home?
I said
See you later
He jumped in the water…
And my whole world went under with him
I swam after his body
Without even knowing how to swim
Barefoot
Terrified
His cross ripped off
I thought it was a joke
Like any second now
He’d stand up and yell
Come here
But the river was stronger
Than a child’s hands
I swallowed water
But I wouldn’t let him go
People on the beach screaming
Help him
But the only one trying
Was me —
A broken kid
One man packed his fishing rod
And quietly drove away
That day I learned
People don’t always care about people
Ambulance lights in my eyes
Call the morgue…
One minute later —
Everything went dark again
And the next day
Was my birthday
But inside me
There was only guilt
And numbness
I grew up in silence
Where love was rare
Where children stay quiet
Because the world screams too loud
I carried more pain
Than a child should carry
But somehow
That pain
Kept me alive
Thirty kilograms in one summer
Not food —
Armor
World, don’t touch me
I disappeared inside myself
One hundred seventy kilos
The fattest kid in town
I spent years freezing
Inside my own isolation
My mother’s new husband —
A stranger in my house
My room became a prison
The monitor became my escape
My grandmother tried reaching me
With kindness
But I was hidden
Behind concrete walls
Then she died…
A stupid tragic ending
And I blamed myself
For not calling enough
Meanwhile relatives divided apartments
And property
While I divided storms
Inside my own chest
Cats thrown in bags
Left near highways at night
That day
The child inside me died
I realized
Cruelty isn’t a movie
It walks beside us
Wearing familiar names
But…
Something inside me
Didn’t die
Something inside me
Kept waiting
Seventeen years old
And finally fire
Gym lights
Iron weights
Sweat on my hands
One hundred seventy
To one fifteen in a year
For the first time
I felt alive inside myself
First love
And first rejection
My heart shattered
But my engine started
I was angry
Hurt
But finally alive
And I told myself
Now become who you really are
Now I understand
I scared people with intensity
Back then
I was just a boy
With an ocean inside him
But if not for the pain
If not for that rejection
I would still be hiding
Inside shadows
I’m not a movie hero
And not some perfect example
I’m just the boy from the river
Who finally grew into himself
I saw death
Betrayal
Coldness in people
But somehow
I still know how to love
And care for living things
I didn’t break
I rebuilt myself slowly
From water
From screaming
From silence
And if you ask
Who I became after all this —
I’m the one who survived
And now
I’m building myself
